I want to preface this with saying that I wasn’t really intending to post this at all. But, here we are…My hope is that sharing this experience and the push for healing that grief incites can be helpful in some way to you. If you’re experiencing anything remotely similar: grief, dealing with loss, re-framing your story, etc., KNOW that you are not alone (I know rhat’s like the most cliché shit to say, but it’s true), your feelings matter, you matter, and you are loved. Acknowledge these feelings. Meet them with compassion. And know that they are temporary, they’re hear to teach/tell you something. It’s ok if you can’t immediately identify the lessons. You don’t need to have all the answers. But give yourself some grace. And know that this is a safe space for you to release and decompress and share. I love you
December 28th
by Jorré Kiara
Today has been heavy…all the optimism in the world will never let me forget the significance of December 28th. On this day, four years ago now, I woke up to my parents’ teary embrace. My godbrother, Julian, was gone. He didn’t make it through the night…the cancer he’d been battling with every piece pf his soul had run its course and he was finally at rest. That’s the part I immediately latched onto. He’s finally at rest. And that’s the part that kept me going for a little while, and then guilt and shame came to play. I started blaming myself for his transition. I started beating myself up for not telling him I loved him. I know he knew that, but that doesn’t make it any better.
I’d let unaddressed insecurities, fears, shadows and whatever the hell else scare me out of telling him and most of the people in my life that I loved them. How wild is it that these things can dictate your life? If you let them…dictate how you connect with others, dictate your experiences…if you let them. If you give them power.
I had this thought recently that life is all about the stories you tell - to yourself and to the world. And when I think of Julian’s story, his is one of GRATITUDE, GRACE and LIGHT. This is the legacy he’s left. This is what he granted power.
Julian literally lights up every space he enters - and I’m saying this in present tense for a reason. He continues to light up every space. You can see it completely surrounding his family in a ball of pure light energy, interwoven so harmoniously with the love they radiate for him and each other wrapped tightly like a BLAH …You can see it in the eyes of those who knew him when they share their stories of him. You can feel it in the room when his music plays. I can feel it when I’m being hard on myself (which has been a lot of the time, especially in the past 2 years), wrapping me up like a big, warm hug.
Julian so naturally provided that space for me..for everyone to just be and to feel seen. Even in some of our lowest moments. Hell, even in his lowest moments, he still provided that space. And he still does! I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I am to have experienced him and to have had the honor of calling him family. He was the big brother I didn’t even realize I’d had..the one who’d ALWAYS show up. And I took that for granted.
If there are any regrets I have in this life, those are two: 1) having been scared to proclaim and express love and 2) taking presence for granted. Since his transition, or ascension rather, I have been so much more mindful about: 1) telling my people that I love them and learning how to show up for them in ways that align with their language of love, as well as my own. And 2) being more present in my life so that I can experience the fullness of every moment and connection.
I’m happy to report that I’m getting better at this. There’s certainly room for improvement, but I’m doing better little by little. I recognize that this healing isn’t linear. In fact, it’s more like the ebb and flow of a rising tide, that I’m beginning to master. We crash like the waves, we return to Source and we still continue to flow and rise.
I have Julian and the rest of my Divine Team to thank for that: their guidance, their love & their support. Julian has helped me reframe this story of mine…the one I’ve been telling myself. He was doing it all along throughout the 27 years he physically walked this plane, just by being himself and I didn’t even realize it! I do now though and I will NEVER forget it.
Godbro, I love and miss you so much. I am so grateful for the moments we shared, the adventures we experienced, and the Sanctuary you provided for me…and everyone for that matter. For the Sanctuary you continue to provide for us so that we can share it with others. I am grateful for the lessons you so effortlessly taught me. And I am so grateful we still get to cut up and shine bright when you visit my dreams, or my meditations or my lil trippy trips 😈😂 or those moments when vivid memories of you wash over me and it feels like they’re happening all over again. I love those moments. And I love you. Thank you for EVERYTHING
Love,
Your Grateful Godsis
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